I swear, if the tears dont stop falling, my eyes will fall out too.

So for the first time in my life, I cried the hell out of myself. Sure I cried when I was a kid, and a little later during Jr High when my dad frustrated me so much I couldn't help but cry. But this time, for the very first time in my life, I cried my soul out. Not just tears, but...emotion. I couldn't stop, I tried so hard to keep it in, but the second I began to think, I cried all over again.

So for the first time in a long time, I will vent on my site. It's been awhile. I can't keep this in anymore.

So it's like 1:00 A.M. now, Sunday morning, January 18, 2004. It's been more than a week since we last had a real conversation that didn't involve us fighting, or talk about important things. I see you in a week and im quite excited. But over the past few days, I have had to put the biggest mask ive ever put on. And nothing seemed to help keep it on.

So ya, last week Saturday, we finally talk about everything and resolve things. Things are okay.

Sunday. spent the time dwelling on everything. Weighing everything down. Absorbing the world around me. End Day 1.

Monday. twas okay. An odd day. Chem then Algebra II with Mr. Camp. I asked him about the Fibonocci Sequence in relation to the Golden Ratio/Divine Proportion(which he has yet to explain to me). Also had a tutor session with Aeri on Phrases (Thank You very much). I call you and unfortunately you are busy with homework, which is of course understandable. You tell me not to call until the day after. End Day 2. Significant Day: Changed the location of the heart.

Tuesday. Nothing special. The boring classes day. Kinda anxious for tomorrow, but then again not. Thom, Im sure will provide us much to learn. But nothing else can penetrate this head of mine. All of it is you. End Day 3

Wednesday. Thom Day #1. Odd day again, went by quick. Had sushi with Matt and Kathy. That was much fun. We talk about Love and such. I enjoying hanging out with them immensly. Session with Thom, very enjoyable, learned alot. Called you, busy with homework again (or was it dinner?). Talked only a little bit for Winter Formal. End Day 4.

Thursday. Thom Day #2. Even day. Went by somewhat slow. Took the phrases test, confident in my abilities (thanks once again Aeri). Session with Thom after school 3-9. More enjoyable than the day before. Excellent player, I love when he plays triples. Called again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Called from 10:00 - 11:30 realizing you were on the phone with another person. I called that other person and found truth to my assumption. I waited till 1 sitting here on this very seat, waiting for a call. I did NOTHING but wait. End Day 5.

Friday. Hell day. One big pet peve: I hate when my schedule is interrupted. When I want to do something at a certain time, I WANT TO DO IT. So yea, I had to put off Tuxedo renting for about....3 hours. All because 75% of the Drumline had better things to do then help the remaining 25% set-up risers, paint them, set up The Cafe, and cleaned the disgusting band room. So yea, we finally go to the Tuxedo shop, good thing they were still open. I went for a marroon color this year. Oh yea, Greg, Andrew, and Ryan came as well. Greg, Andrew and I bought the same style jacket and Ryan got a pair of awesome looking shoes. Go to Floral, call you, find out I have to wait another 2 days to call you. If I was any more mad, god only knows what would happen. Although the night got tremendously better. I know you can't read this, but Bates, thanks alot for an awesome night, I had much fun talking about Mai and Felicia. Realizing the truth again and speaking it always feels good. End Day 6.

Saturday, Clinic. Spaghetti Dinner. Thats all. Came up with a new concept on the way home. Felicia asked me a question: "I don't understand how you Guys can just stay with us. It makes no sense whatsoever!!!" I answered her at her door. End Day 7.

And now I sit here, sunday morning. Having discovered something about you that you never showed me before. Not some character trait but something you did and I never knew about until Saturday. I investigated everyones site, finding the link I never knew was there, always thinking it was to a site that I already knew of, never clicking on it. Until tonight. I went through every update. Only one reference to myself: On a survery - Last person talked to? Joseph. And God knows there are a million people named Joseph. 20 of them could be in Davis so for all I know, I was never mentioned on your Xanga. And sure thats okay right? But even on my own special day, I was never wished a happy birthday. You said you always wish happy birthdays, on this one, none for myself, yet one for yourself and one for another guy I cant seem to remember. According to recent updates, it seems as if you have had time to talk to everyone else, like convince two people you are a male, watch a guy play the guitar. hang out with a local friend. And do all this chem stuff, yet no time for myself. Which is understandable. Dont form your schedule around myself. And I know in the past, I have had days when I couldnt do anything like talk to you. But you took it so strongly against me. I understand if you are busy. You are in college, you are bound to be busy. I guess we switched places didnt we? I've been waiting forever and a day to talk to you. I cant stand it.

But why have you never told me about this site?

It's like when you are sick. You are susceptible to everything, like temperature, pain stuff like that. Its like that for me. I am so down, that the slightest thing will be 1000x magnified. Like the whole friday afternoon thing. Or when I lost that basket that I wanted to get for you. I put so much hope into 30 small red tickets. It felt like crap. I lost, big deal? SO why do I feel like shit?

The tears flow, thinking of you. I Love You Mai Kozai. No doubt about it. I am neither mad nor have an will towards you. Once again, I Love You. It's just this silence is nerve racking and I can't take it anymore. Everything just seems worse than usual. From reading your Xanga, I can picture you smiling, living everyday life, smiling. I can picture you talking to your friends, smiling. I can picture you watching that guitar, in complete awe. Yet smiling. I can hear you arguing over the fact you are male. I can hear the giggles you give. I can taste the breath that I breath whenever I kiss you.

I cant stop the tears. Even now they still fall.

Quote from Jay: "i was never in all of her world even though she was always in mine"

Quote from myself: "We loved them before, and now we love them more. But why did we love them more than before? Because they loved us back. But now..."

Convo with Felicia:

"I don't understand how you Guys can just stay with us. It makes no sense whatsoever!!!" - Felicia
"If you had heard the 2 and half hours that me and Ryan talked, you would know." - Myself
"But I wasn't there! Ha ha" - Felicia
"I guess its just a mix of Devotion, Loyalty, and 'why not'?" - Myself

silence

"Theres another reason too: How else can we show how we will be in the future?" - Myself
"Huh?" - Felicia
"Years from now. If we dont start showing you now, we will never get there. And we will always be this way." - Myself
"I see...makes sense."

Song of the day:
Three Doors Down
Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older, since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that this gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there’s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there’s only you and me

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
but tonight girl, there’s only you and me


It's cold, I'm shaking.

I dont care about this certain poem. You can all figure it out now.

"Dead Gem She Sin" is an anagram for "Hidden Message"
The rest of the poem is an Anagram. Each line a new Anagram. Figure it out.

I've never felt so depressed in the past week. Simply from not being able to talk to. I miss you so dearly.


The building stands tall and firm.
Majestic in its own beauty.
Nearly indestructable.
Nearly...
Remove the bottom, the base of the entire thing.
And it changes.
It could crumble down,
lean to the side.
You reform the base of anything.
And you lose alot.

Recent Poem:
Demon

What is it I see?
Something so beautiful
Can't be human.
So what then?
Angel? Demon?
Demon. The symbol of fear and darkness.
Angel. Hope and light.
Deception.
Truth.
So what is it I see?
A fallen Angel.
Born from my highest heaven,
fallen to the center of my soul.
Cared for by be.
So what am I?
The...


You removed part of the base of our relationship. Our reason to push on forward. You let go.

I read every single note that was ever passed between me and you, though the ones that you passed to me. God how things have changed.

I will confess something to the whole world. Maybe its because I myself am weak right now, I really don't care.

I Love Mai Kozai. Enough to want to be her Husband. One reason we stayed together over long distance, besides the fact that we love each other, is that we had a reason to be with each other. That reason was because we wanted to someday, walk down that isle and live the rest of our lives together. But as of late, that has changed. I alone carry the torch. I carry the hope that one day, I will see you in a beautiful white dress. This torch, this Hope, will lead me out of this darkness my life has become. And if this torch does fail me and I do not reach my goal, for whatever reason, I may as well be dead.

I Love You Mai Kozai. I want to be with you forever.

These tears stopped at 3:30 A.M. - Simba

Joe blogged on 3:36 AM

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